The expensive dream

I turned down another job, this time it was an admin position for a so-called "school" for young people who want to become actors, dancers or models.

I was actually looking forward to it, and attended a day's training but I then found a lot of less than flattering information about them on the internet. They are a chain of franchises, exploiting young people's dreams by charging them over the odds for one hour of tuition a week.

In the London "school" you can get a 10 week course for over £1000, which parents are expected to pay in full the next day on their credit card, or a year's course including a trip to LA for over £7000. They really put the pressure on the parents, and the idea is that once you sign up, your child will be "invited for auditions".
On the web I read that in the USA, some of the "agents" and "casting directors" who come in (on the weekend!) to meet the kids are actors, pretending to be business big-shots. Also people were urged to get photos done for prices of around $1000.
Here in the UK, charging to join an agency and "recommending" a photographer are illegal as far as I am aware, and I am not even questioning the quality of the tuition, but for £100 a week you could get your child at least one one-on-one acting lesson with a West End actor or vocal coach!

As soon as I realised the extent of the rip-off and the amout of law suits against them in the States I knew I couldn't do it. Some of their fanchises also have a history of not paying their staff, so I was even more worried.

I was disappointed, because I wanted to work - but not as the face of this outfit which exploits people's dreams and wallets like that.

The girl who does the job there at the moment, actually auditioned for them originally, and got entered into a talent contest in the States. Now she does this job for free in lieu of her enrolment fee. She saw on the net it's actually around $600, but she works off a £1500 fee...

Blag Queen

Even though I never got an audition slot for today, I ended up just blagging my way in anyway.

I decided I may as well try, so I turned up around 3:15pm with my CV and picture. The lady didn't turn me away like I half expected, but asked me to return at 4:30.
In the end they saw me at six, because people kept turning up who had appointments- fair enough but I really didn't expect to wait nearly 3 hours. Still, I am glad they saw me because I didn't think I would get called up for the recall dates if I'd not been in the first round of auditions.
It was pleasant walking in (the lady's ditzyness really got on my nerves by that stage and I was fed up and tired), because I knew both the blokes auditioning me (the director and general manager) from a Shakespeare audition about 18 months ago. I ended up not getting the part at the time (I was too young I think), but watched and quite liked the production.

My God, I am just watching a programme about two actors who have a 2-year old and small triplets, what a nightmare! Now the bloke is about to give up his dream to stay at home with all the kids, what a bummer...

I think the appeal of all that reality tv stuff is that people can get into it quickly. You don't need to know any background of the "characters" like you do in soaps and series, they are just accessible hour-long mini stories. My flatmate never got into "Lost" because she missed the pilot, the poor thing.

Now my next audition is on Monday- I need to refresh a rather rusty Shakespeare speech I last remember using to get into Central (and failed).

I had an odd entry in my diary today: "Audition (voice?)" and I'm now slightly panicky because I have the vague feeling I missed something. No forther details were forthcoming, and I combed through my notes and phone without success.
Ah, now it dawns on me.

Actually this is a rather funny story too- in a slightly ironic sense:
It was for a voice over audition which I got invited to via email, then the person changed her mind and said it was actually the week before. I missed out on getting a slot, so she invited me for Monday instead (oh the tedium of using email to arrange dates- just bloody PHONE me!). I rang her to confirm (why me, it's THEIR project! And they pay a bit less than half of what I usually get for v/o work, but it sounded like a fun and worthwile project). Monday at 2pm was my new time slot. So I set off nice and early to get to South Ken on the bus, then rang her door bell just on time. No answer for ages, then she looks out of the upstairs balcony- "Yes!?" like she hadn't expected me. I said: "It's me, the angry actress, here for my audition!" She seemed surprised.
15 minutes later she opened the door and said she was surprised I hadn't confirmed again via email (why!?) on the day (does she think I am constantly online?- and why hadn't she confirmed?).
A 20 minute recording in her bedroom followed (I wonder if she auditioned blokes there, too- is she not worried about the saftety aspect?), she seemed to like my voice and got me to read quite a bit of one particular part.
I got home and had an email that night saying I hadn't got the job, but they will keep me in mind for future projects. So now I am slightly suspicious- maybe she liked it so much she will use the recording I did, without telling me? You never know...
I once did what I was told were "filmed rehearsals" (I never signed a release form) for an independent feature film, only to come across our efforts in a sort of press conference in Cannes at the British Pavillion- nice...
Mybe I am just being paranoid, after all how good can a recording from someone's bedroom be? Then again, that's how I recorded my first few voice over demos...

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I just remembered another odd audition I had about 2 years ago.
It was February, and I was invited to audition for a new-ish play on the fringe at the director's flat in North London.
By the time I got there it was quite late (I remember again there was an issue with dates and times, so I went there more or less immediately).
I did a speech from the Vagina Monologues I was working on, because the part was meant to be quite sexy, and then we did some reading from the script. I thought it felt odd to try and act out fairly intimate scenes with the guy, but because it was primarily a cold reading I guessed that next time I would do it with another actor whilst the director gave us feedback. The dialogue was all: "yes, kiss me, I love you" and so on, but we just read it off the page.
He got very distracted in a rather unprofessional way and we just ended up chatting about his flat and other stuff, until I felt it was time to go.
He rang me up for a re-call, and this is where it started to get a bit strange. Because he had a fairly distinctive voice I guessed it was him when he called me, which seemed to please him. It was early afternoon on February 14th when I went over to his place, expecting the other actor to be there too, but again it was just me and him. This time he had picked another fairly sexual scene (were ther eany others?), and we improvised through it with the script. We ended up on the floor sort of hugging, and I was trying to ignore all the instructions in italics in the script (like: they kiss passionately), thinking he can hardly expect me to do this if it's just the two of us!? How awkward was this, I mean I didn't want to appear like a wooden performer but I didn't exactly feel relaxed and like I was in a professional environment!
I had even been in touch with an actor friend of mine who was interested in the part, but the director had told me it was cast already so I had expected the other actor to be there for my recall.
Anyway, again we got distracted and just got chatting, which we both enjoyed but it was hardly the point of me being there. Then he started asking what I would be doing in the evening, as it was Valentine's night!? I said I'd be out with my friend as my boyfriend was on tour.
He didn't seem to get the hint.
Next time he rang me, he just went: "guess who this is!" - how creepy! I think he jsut wanted to go for a drink, but I can't remember now.
I then didn't hear anything for ages, so I rang him.
I never got the part.

Fast forward to this year- I bumped into the actress who got the part, at an audition. She told me that he'd got a girlfriend by the time they were running the show, and that he always expected her to do the washing-up. Her "revenge" was to write "I am not your slave" (or something like that) on a piece of paper 98 times (Why? I am just as puzzled as the next person. Just dump his ass!) . Apparently he then asked her why she hadn't written it 100 times!?
Weirdo.

He also tried to slime onto my friend who works at the juice bar. Yes, her with ICM who films with the stars and stars in her own sitcom. He reportedly asked her if she was an actress and whether she would like to be in his next play? Naked?
She refused.

Timing and preparation

I had a call today from the theatre company who will be putting on the Ibsen play. Apparently I may be losing out on the chance to audition, because I took the time to re-read the play in order to refresh my memory and make some qualified and intelligent observations about the character, which has now delayed me sufficiently so the audition slots are full... Great.

Why do people do that, get you to read the play again before they book you in for the audition, don't they reckon you may read it once you know you are going up for it?

I mean I certainly assumed that I was, and they said they asked actors the question about their part to make sure they were familiar with the play because they had so many responses, but that's what acting's all about, to become familiar with a part through reading and rehearsing the play!

I once lost out on the chance to audition alltogether because I wrote the company an email asking about their conditions and rates of pay (to make sure I wasn't wasting our time by applying for a job I won't be interested in doing)- by the time they replied, the slots had filled anyway. A shame, because I would have been interested to do it. How come that any ads for receptionists, cleaners, CEO's and IT nerds carry a full job desctiption and details of the pay and bonuses, and acting jobs just promise a "good rate of pay" which could mean anything from 180 (plus accommodation! Wow... Like I'm gonna take my tent on tour)

The guy from the job center (a "resting actor" himself) called to inform me of an extras casting they are holding for some commercial. I went to one of them before, it's a bit pointless because you wait around for ages, and also seems to just serve to save the production company money by cutting out the extras agency and employing people who don't know how much money they should be getting.

70 quid for a 10 hour day isn't exactly great, nor is it to my knowledge the Equity minimum. My agencies pay around 89, but then they take commission and I tend to not do extra work nowadays. It sucks especially if it's this cold!
Plus my successful friend who's with ICM never did a day's extra work in her life as far as I'm aware, she just goes off filming with Johnny Depp or Hayden Christenson (that's how you spell it?) only to return to her job at the juice bar afterwards...

So I turned them down...

I had to make the call today to turn down that touring job.
I mean, Equity told me it was exploitative (I knew that anyway but I needed support in my decision) and they advisedme not to sign the contract on the basis that they don't pay for rehearsals, and book actors for 3 shows a day with no information how far it is to drive between venues.
I felt awful for wasting their time (I had deliberated over this contract for nearly a week), but after failing to find a cheap flight home on Christmas eve plus the added inconvenience of having to shell out for my own expenses during rehearsals without the possibility of taking on paid work that week, I decided it would be for the best. No point starting a high-energy job with a less than enthusiastic attitude!
Her reply was: "maybe you shouldn't have come to the audition, you knew this from the start (DID I!?), no point wasting people's time..." Well THANKS. I sent the contracts back with a little note telling herI had taken my time thinking about the consequences of signing them, and had come to the conclusion (supported by Equity) that I could not financially afford to travel to zone 3 without compensation...

On the upside I got another audition offer, this time for an interactive Shakespeare project, so keep your fingers crossed!
I will also get to dress up as a vampire girl for a corporate function at the Theatre Museum this week, the only bummer is my iron has packed up and my black trousers are creased from the dryer- then again I am a vampire, and there are no irons in hell! Nothing like a bit of realism.

I got good feedback from my TV acting class, I actually got to do a scene I can relate to closely- about a relationship breakup based on betrayal and physical violence.
Great stuff to do, but I tend to feel trapped within the confines of the "frame" (staying within the confines of what the camera catches)- acting on stage is a lot more free and liberating. The audience can see you wherever you are, and movements don't look too "big". On camera it's all in the eyes, even blinking can look "wrong".
And you never know what the camera catches. You can be acting your socks off and if it's not caught well it's all for nothing.

I once did a very tongue-in cheek short film about people's secrets. In one scene I was in my underwear, "seducing" a guy; thinking the cameraman/director was catching all my best angles, but in the end my bum just looked enourmous and the scene wasn't flattering. It was also not helped by my co-star's adversity to shaving, which left my chin with an awful stubble rash following the make-believe kissing...

Free Condoms

This morning I got up at 5:30 am to distribute free condoms at a tube station. It was fun and we finished early. Then I went back to bed for another hour's kip before my audition at 11am.
They liked me and have asked me back for a re-call tomorrow. The play sounds like fun, it's Shakespeare and the pay is decent. £325 a week plus touring allowance of £12 a day.
Well, no-one does this job for the money but it is a fairer representation of today's financial requirements of living in a big city, than some of the dosh usually offered by small theatre companies.
A dilemma is raising its scary head already though- I received an email from a director regarding a play on the fringe, which would be unpaid but more prestigous than touring round secondary schools (again). An interesting part, too in an acclaimed modern classic drama. He asks if I can rehearse from the 19th of December and what my take on the role would be. She is the illegitimate daughter of her "boss", and in love with her brother who has syphilis, so an interesting part, for sure!
I could stay at home, get agents to see me in it and do mindless promotion jobs like the one today...

I also might be in with a chance of doing another low-budget feature film, along the lines of "Memento".
They actually sent me the script before, in June but re-advertised (I guess because of delays with the budget, or an interruption to their schedule caused by the writer's mental breakdown, who knows...) this month. And obviously still like the look of me despite having forgotten all about me from before. Well, so had I, I have to admit- I only realised the script was a duplicate when I discovered one with the same name in my "Scripts" folder which I saved in June! I read that many things, I only noticed on the 2nd page that it sounded somewhat familiar...
Did someone ever consider how tough it is to read a 120-page script on a laptop screen!?

These projects are difficult to fit in if you are on tour for months on end, and directors think you are unavailable and therefore unreliable. I might add that it would help if they could afford to pay their cast...
I never said I wasn't bitter and twisted, after all this is what spawned this blog!

Free Condoms

This morning I got up at 5:30 am to distribute free condoms at a tube station. It was fun and we finished early. Then I went back to bed for another hour's kip before my audition at 11am.
They liked me and have asked me back for a re-call tomorrow. The play sounds like fun, it's Shakespeare and the pay is decent. 325 a week plus touring allowance of 12 a day.
Well, noone does this job for the money but it is a fairer representation of today's financial requirements of living in a big city, than some of the dosh usually offered by small theatre companies.
A dilemma is raising its scary head already though- I received an email from a director regarding a play on the fringe, which would be unpaid but more prestigous than touring round secondary schools (again). An interesting part, too in an acclaimed modern classic drama. He asks if I can rehearse from the 19th of December and what my take on the role would be. She is the illegitimate daughter of her "boss", and in love with her brother who has syphilis, so an interesting part, for sure!

Today's Dilemma

I have a contract on my table.

Yes, after all those months of fruitless letters, emails and auditions I was finally offered another job!
BUT- and here's the big but (BUT), they DO NOT PAY for rehearsals!
Now, this is actually a bit of a deal-breaker because why should I start off a paid job being out of pocket myself? Travelling to the rehearsal space takes upward of an hour and costs about a fiver to get to each day. I asked them on the phone whether they'd at least consider re-imbursing our expenses, but they said they'd have to check with the budget...

During this contract we would be required to perform 3(!) shows a day, singing and dancing (great stuff, but 3 in a row!?) plus driving duties between venues (up to 100m a day), and building and taking down the set which takes half an hour.
I got Equity to look at the contract and they advised me not to sign it.

So what's a girl to do?
I think it would be great to do this show in the 3 weeks running up to Christmas, it's a rewarding thing to do and an addition to my CV, also £250 a week isn't as bad as some other companies I have auditioned for recently offer their actors.
I just wish they would write their idea of wages into the ad or whatever, so people like me don't waste their time.
After 4 years in this business I now expect a bit more than £200 a week for 6 days work, travelling dark and icy country lanes in a clunky van with hormonal actors who are unable to map-read their way out of a paper bag, only to find our performance venue is a smoky working-mens club on the 2nd floor, filled with drunk parents and crisp-munching pre-teens running riot, where we have to change behind the set or in tiny dressing rooms filled with empty bottles and full ashtrays, then shouting my voice out to bridge the hour-long gap before Santa arrives...
If we are lucky, noone has scratched the van in the meantime, we might get a choccie bar from Santa after the play and won't trip over some hyperactive three-year-old whilst carrying the minidisc player back to the car...

I figured out that if I do this contract and after paying for the date change of my Christmas flight home (to incorporate the last performance day), I will be £30 better off in the new year than if I stay on benefits... That's if the job center don't cut me off during the rehearsal period, because technically they are full days- and so beyond the 15 hours max one is allowed to work before losing JSA (job seeker's allowance).

What agonising over a missing 40 quid travel allowance...

Oh the glamour, eh!?

Another older posting

The cheek of it all...

Ok, here's my rant about the cheek of people offering jobs to actors.

My pissed-off-ness started on Saturday night when I had a theatre tour audition scheduled for 7.15pm, in Egham. Yes you read that right, after seven on a Saturday night! It took an hour to get there and cost me ten pounds. Fair enough, I take that off the tax. I had cut my Friday night short in order to preserve my voice (amazing party in a cool mansion with lovely young lads and ladies in fabulous fancy dress), and spent the best part of Saturday fine-tuning my 2 songs and 2 speeches required for the audition.

So I got there at 7, and they let me wait FOR AN HOUR! I mean talk about running late. A chap who was on before me got called back in to do another song in a different style, so they didn't seem to rush people but still, an hour behind... Another guy turned up about half an hour after me but they let him audition before me because apparently his slot was scheduled first and he was friends with one of the organisers... Nice.

I finally got called in, the guy and gal introduced themselves and then the chap spent 5 minutes just silently reading the form they'd had me fill out. As I was filling it it, there was a question: "Number of professional jobs since graduating" which I found confusing, as I have never counted them so I just wrote: see website (because there are too many to list on my CV). I actually asked the girl what I should put as I wasn't able to count them all in my head, and she asked me if I'd just graduated- Huh!?

I have to say all of this didn't give me the best impression. I mean, have the curtesy to either talk to the person and ask them questions to their face (helloo I am right here!) or just read it in your own time before they come in or after they have left- he did not ask me to clarify a single one of my answers! Anyway, they then totally rushed me through my pieces, even cutting short a 2-minute speech. I am familiar with just singing 16 bars of a song, but to just interrupt a speech someone has spent time preparing, that's never happened to me.
I am not lying if I said I spent less than 10 minutes with these people, after sitting on my ass one hour! Why schedule a time slot at all if its so difficult to at least roughly stick to it!?
I nearly missed my Saturday night out and my poor friend waited around at the cinema for half an hour (I got there at just a quarter to ten).

The second event that made me despair was a call I had this morning, from a film production company producing a programme where they need Swedish speaking actors and extras of Skandinavian appearance. I don't speak Swedish of course, but people constantly think I am Swedish, so I'd applied in the hope that even if it's not going to be a carreer-furthering addition to my showreel/CV or whatever, at least I'll earn some cash and get fed for a few day's extra work.
So this lady runs through all the info with me, availability, measurements and stuff- then I ask about the fee. She says it's the such-and such rate. I asked, so how much is that now, about 68 pounds (thinking she meant Equity)? No not quite that much, she replied (?!).
O-oh, I thought when she started to mention that they'd pay travel and food (well duh of course!), and- wait for it- a 30 pound a day fee!!!
I immediately told her I wouldn't work for that, that's not even Equity rate! No wonder they put it in the Stage or wherever, a reputable extras agency wouldn't touch them with a bargepole! So she told me she'd have a chat with her colleague and get back to me.
After all this malarkey I actually got a call from them a few days later, offering me 50 pounds. In the end I got a lovely makeup job, free food and only worked for about 5 inutes of my half-day call. Result! :-)
Turns out it was a BBC co-production and they suddenly remembered someone had spontaneously paid their license fee.
Not me I might add!


Number three was another little film project -this time about sexual health for the Turkish market. So I get this call at 8.15pm in the evening, another pleasant female voice. I said: that's a late time to still be in the office, and she goes, no I am at home... (?)

Same sort of thing, she explains they are casting for 2 women, one clothed (interviewee) and one nude (big question mark here), so I am thinking I'll go for the clothed part but I was curious how much the nude part would pay and what was involved. You won't believe this- both parts pay at 125 pounds a day! Hello!? I am still thinking, well I am cool with that, I'll just say I'm not interested in the nude role.
So then she goes, just to let you know we'll ask you to take some of your clothes off at the audition! I mean if you are that type of performer, wouldn't you have a portfolio with some artistic nude shots rather than prancing around in your undies at Diorama!? I then told her I wouldn't be interested in being considered for the nude part, and that's when she starts telling me it will all be shot in silhouette- so then what does it matter how big your butt is or whatever!?

I am a big believer in the theory that the fee they are prepared to pay the talent is reflected in the quality of the end product. Who guarantees me that whichever twerp cameraman they find for that kind of dosh is going to do a decent, professional job in filming my best assets? And how about the lighting technicians? And security? Which decent security guard would work for peanuts to ensure not all random runners and work placement students turn up at the set once I stick my naked butt in the air!?
She also was quite vague in where the end product would turn up. Maybe Turkish telly but no guarantees. If it was aimed at schools I doubt the necessity for a fully nude performer. In any case I asked her if they'd have a storyboard at the audition to clarify exactly what they are after. Again she seemed a bit put out. I already know I would never do any nude stuff under these circumstances, but maybe I'll get the other role.

In the end, I got neither. They had filed to mention the clothed part was already cast and it would be shot on the weekend of my cousin's wedding. And if someone tells me going to that audition was "good experience", I'll scream!

Angry, moi!?

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Bitter and Twisted

My agent dumped me.
Great. I mean I was going to get rid of him anyway, he had proved to be an utter waste of space on more than one occasion, but I talked to the Spotlight recently to remove another agency who had since become a casting director from my profile, and was told by them on this occasion that I now had no other representation. I was really surprised, then rang my agent to confront him with this for me so sudden news.
Him and I had only recently had a meeting which seemed to be going well. He appeared enthusiastic about my prospects and positive he would get me some work in the future.

He had only sent me to some really crappy castings in the 2 years I was on their "books", and one was even for a total joke of a reality show PILOT (not a C4 drama like he'd told me).
The plot was basically that a pretty girl (me) would entice some poor mug of a guy who had a girlfriend, to follow her into an appartment where sex would be on the cards. This of course would be a hidden-camera set-up designed to catch out his cheating heart and hard-on!
Upon having lured this poor moron into "my" appartment I would have to encourage him to get naked whilst I would go next door to change or whatever. Only the pretty girl would then fail to return, in her place some angry old couple would show up and laugh at the sad, naked git.
The footage would then be revealed to his horrified girlfriend, who would presumable have a miscarriage from the shock.

What a moronic idea!
Seriously, TV people get PAID for thinking up crap like that, and then they try to find enthusiastic dumb actors under the pretense of casting for a c4 comedy drama. Comedy? Drama? My arse!
Needless to say I flunked the "audition" and never got the "part"- Oh no!

So anyway, my agent was all happy to finally meet me, but told me I needed new pictures taken. I had planned this anyway but wasn't sure what hair colour I would chose to stick with.

I also asked him about his rather sketchy phone system and hoped he'd sort this out. Basically, if a casting director rings him they don't want to get an engaged signal, or wait ages for a very unprofessional-sounding answerphone (Hello, there's noone in to take your call, leave a message after the tone...) to click on, or some lady to just go: "Hello!?"...
Call Waiting and a basic ansaphone costs like one pound a month, surely this would sound better to casting professionals and actors?

Apparently for all his positive comments he didn't like me after all, because when I phoned him he told me my picture looked nothing like me and it was 10 years old. What a cheek! And coward! He could have told me straightaway it wasn't going to work out with us, but I bet he didn't like the fact I rumbled him. He suggested artists give him 50 quid for inclusion in a few more websites besides Spotlight, and I asked for the URLs so I could check them out before mailing a cheque. Glad I did now! What an arse...


EDINBURGH

Friday, August 19, 2005

Hey, is that a Haggis in your bag or are you just pleased to see me!?

I have been keeping myself busy with going to various random shows at the Fringe, especially the ones I can see for free with my pass, i.e. at the Underbelly and Baby Belly.
So yesterday I went off to see “Carey Marx-Marry Me”, a stand-up comedian whose mission it is to find a wife by the end of August.
I thought- why not, after all I am single and quite fancied the ring in the poster- but before I went I had to get some food down my rumbling belly, so I ran to the local chippie for a fried Haggis and chips- as you do. Bad Idea!
I mean I like Haggis, but the thing they put on top of my chips literally was the size of a sheep’s stomach and there was just no dignified way to eat the thing. Maybe you have to be born here or do a degree in St Andrew’s!?
The ketchup they put on top was an even more artificial colour than the stage blood I pour down my face every day, but it tasted nice. Still, I had to give up the endeavour before the start of the show, so I put the thing in my bag and went up to the theatre.
The show was just starting, and the guy was talking about the fact that he had been on over 170 dates this year, so I shouted out: “So what’s wrong with you then?” but it became fairly obvious from the rather ironic letters he’d been writing to his potential dates- well he is a comedian after all and people had to have something to laugh about in his show! It really was very funny. Unfortunately I didn’t fancy him; I mean he was short, not that attractive and still lives in a flatshare at the age of 39 for God’s sake!
I am just glad he didn’t shake my hand or I would have had to find some sort of creative excuse for the fact that my hand looked like I had had to assist a constipated cow…

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Today I saw the play “Stirring” which I quite enjoyed, followed by an atrocious excuse for a performance called “Me and Hitler”. I had gone in the hope of being able to laugh about Hitler, but the guy should have just cancelled the show if he was that ill, instead of trying to plough through with a brain filled with cotton wool and relying on the audience to provide the entertainment.
I suppose it was quite funny, but in a cynical American kinda way; the audience made funnier remarks than him and he didn’t even have a Jewish sense of humour despite claiming to be a “New Yoik Jew” at least five times!
He then realised it was the end of the show before he ever got to his point (if there was one!?), not without telling his German tech girl that the Allies had done some "nice re-decorating" in her home town of Dresden, which they then replaced with some atrocities of their own (charming!), and decided to sing a song in a croaky, flue-y voice, finishing off with "Deutschland, Deutschland...". I mean I have a sense of humour and irony, but there is a fine line between being funny and offensive, even stooping so low as to sing lyrics of a song which are banned in its country of origin!

After saying all this he was a charming guy who was endearingly concerned about the roundness of his belly as mentioned in one reviewer's blog (HE got reviewed, and he was SHITE!), but the show if you want to call it that was unstructured, unfunny, and impossible to walk out of as he sat amongst the audience and chatted to people individually, blocking all routes of escape.

Or maybe I just missed the point!?

Anyway, this made it very easy for me to flog my flyers to the disappointed and bewildered members of the public who walked out, undoubtedly wondering why they had just wasted their money on some guy's beer belly extension, when they could have been watching something poignant with guaranteed laughs and decent harmonies!

I then caught the last few minutes of "Priorites a Gauche" (?) which seemed to have been a riot I was sorry to have missed, and flyered their audience too as they were leaving. I am really hoping to break our own Edinburgh record of 18 people in the audience (apparently the average is 7, but I guess I am spoilt from playing to 200 people last year with this show) before Saturday. Even if two of them were only there because I had flirted with them...

Now I am off to bed so my battered immune system doesn't catch the cold the comedian was passing around! Just glad he didn't "snuuurgh" me as he threatened to do...
;-)

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Wednesday, August 17, 2005

The Canary Pie and random Antipodean Girls

omigod- Edinburgh is crazier than Cannes, who would have thought that was possible!?
So I arrived on Sunday, after enjoying a few days of Jazz at the Nairn international Jazz festival, hanging with Milgrew Miller, Jon-Erik Kellso, Richie Goods and Rodney Green (my own personal contemporary Jazz gods!)- and found myself nearly homeless.
E- (my co-star/director/acupuncturist/Scottish connection) had managed to blag us accommodation in a lovely flat belonging to a Nairn patron's son, however we were shown only one room to share- and I only met J, the other actor on Wednesday, so that was a bit of a no-no... Despite being a lovely and talented bloke he also smokes and I don't like him enough to be sharing a bed with him... ;-)
So I ended up on the floor of the room an Australien chick named Kim was being put up in, but when she still hadn't returned home at 6am I decided to crash in the comfy double bed, only for her to join me there 30 minutes later...
Next night, same thing and then we were turfed out as Steven's sister plus kids were arriving- still it was a lovely stay, and they didn't even object to me eating half a chicken off one of their plates despite being strict veggies. Wonderful flat, too with views of the castle and the sea... Dream...
Anyhoo, then E was at his wits end regarding places to sleep, as it literally is a CIRCUS here during the festival! People kipping everywhere, and we were only invited to come here in May... this being the town where people plan accommodatrion a year in advance we were clearly at a disadvantage!
waffle waffle, gotta get on with it as it's getting late...

So, I found myself on yet another floor, belonging to my flatmate's ex- school exchange "sister" and her boyfriend- which was shared by a Kiwi girl called Helen-she had the air bed, I had bits of sofa cushions, still vv comfy and a better alternative than staying in the building site of a house now occupied by E and J... ;-)
Hey, I am not complaining only it's a far cry from the 4* hotels they put us up in during our tour last year!

Now to the show itself:
It fits with great difficulty in a slot between an energetic pirate story with songs for kids and the allegedly most disgustingly brilliant version of "Ubu" (I have yet to see it but they patrol the streets with a humongous pile of poo on a silver tray). Our show is 90 minutes long and has had to be shortened to 1.10 hours, now even an hour and five. The get-in and -out don't take long which redeems the show's length somewhat, but we have been told off by the venue twice... So no more audience participation anymore! :-(
Which leads us onto our next problem, audience figures. I mean they all have very nice figures, if only there were more of them!
We had about 8 in both days, which is pathetic compared to crowds of 200 plus during the tour last year, and 100 at the May venue...
In a bid to get some mention in the papers, we went out leafleting in costume today, so even if audience numbers don't pick up I can console myself with the fact that I am gracing loads of random Japanese people's photo albums in a 1930's dress with blood streaming down my face, holding flyers!
My other cunning ploy was to take the reviewers of "The Scotsman" a canary pie, as they mentined in their review section that pies were their favourite bribes. I bought some pork pies, a donut (in order to get a box from Gregg's the tight basta-urgh sorry baker's) and black writing paper, then walked another half hour to find one of Edinburgh's elusive petshops to get some canary feathers, only to be faced with the cleanest birdcages in Europe without a single lose feather!
The pet shop boy ;-) took pity on me however and went into the back (to pluck a bird? I will never know) and returned with some lovely fluffy yellow feathers, which I promptly stuck into my pie.
I will add a picture here as soon as I can, it was truly a work of art- resting on a flyer, with another leaflet stuck on the box I presented Andrew from the Scotsman (yet another 30 minute walk) with a tiny pie decorated with yellow feathers and a nasty black swastika!
Well if that isn't worth a mention in the papers or a review (in the culinary section?) I do not know what is!!!
;-)
Yawn, off to my air bed (Kiwi girl flew off to New York) where I will rest in peace until 7am when my hosts get up...
p.s. I saw "Terrorist! The Musical" yesterday and it was brilliant!
Also "Go Go Burlesco" today, fantorgasmic! I wish I had such a great voice or would find a huge diamond in my fanny!